I felt the strain in my chest and the lump in my throat, because everything has been going incredibly unusual and incredibly wrong. I walked into the doctors office for my MRI and echo cardiograms this morning and I could smell that scent of a doctors office, the smell that makes reality dawn on you like a ton of bricks and causes the weight of the world to just sit on your shoulders. Today could change my life forever. I mean they say it’s just precautions and it probably is, but there’s still a possibility.
I encounter the young receptionist and tell her my name, she gives me the paper work to fill out and of course there are like 10 pages and its 9 in the morning. It’s necessary though, so I sit down and fill out my paper work watching the people who work there walk in and out of the white glass doors. I feel like I filled out the same question 5 times and I still have that lump in my throat because I just want all of this to be over.
I walk into the MRI room and make sure I have all the “metal” objects off such as bobby pins and earrings. I lay down where the technician shows me and put my head in the white mold to hold it still. The technician asks me if I want a blanket, and of course I do because I am always freezing. He puts the white mask like thing over my head and asks if I would like the music on, I say “yeah sure.” Some weird song is ending, but oh well it’s background noise.
All I can think about is how I wish Barrett was there to comfort me and hold my hand, and then the next words I hear out of those speakers are,
“Its nine oclock on a saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
Theres an old man sitting next to me
Makin love to his tonic and gin….”
My heart sinks and I feel the smile spread across my face. One of Barrett’s favorite songs ever and suddenly I feel like he’s there, and in that moment I feel the weight of the world lift a little bit. I know it might sound weird but I have never felt so much comfort in a doctors office. Finally, I relax, because in that split second, it was like a reminder that everything was going to be okay…
It was a subtle reminder that I need to feel comfort within my own heart and in the little things that are around me. I know that God is with me, and my family and Barrett are with me.